The Night of Change

  • NB:. I know I put it in my dark poems category but to me this poem is not dark at all… This is the most personal, most meaningful and most important poem I think I have written… in fact its not just a poem, this is a re-telling of a moment that forever changed the direction of my life. I hope all of you who know me well, will take the time to read this.

    I hope those of you who don’t know me well can at least understand the struggle I have had with accepting myself in our image-centric world and also understanding that I am different in ways that are seen as negative to the world.

    For anyone else struggling with their body image, afraid to look in the mirror or experiencing some kind of Dysphoria… know that you are your own worst enemy. You have to stand tall, which alone at times can be hard… and fight it… even when your knocked down, keep fighting. You have to remember that you are you, you are unique, you are beautiful. Don’t let your monsters win… And whatever you do, don’t forget that you are so valuable and precious to this world, and as long as you remember that… have faith and confidence that you will do what is best for you always. (Gosh I hope this makes sense) – With Much Love – Matty Angel

    The Night of Change

    With blurry eyes
    I slowly woke,
    “Is it over now…” I whisper
    From my dry cracking lips

    I take a breath,
    One that’s close to a sigh
    And then stumble my steps
    I am still so tired…

    As I pass the Outside the window
    The stars twinkle bright
    Its so very late still…
    A calming silent night.

    I make my way to the wash-room
    I fidget rather scared,
    But at last I find the light switch
    And flicked it on… with a tremor of fear

    I placed my hands upon a hanging mirror
    One I had long ago turned over to the back
    I slowly lifted it up from the wall
    And with shaking hands,
    Turned the mirror the right way up.

    As I placed it back upon the wall however
    I quickly jammed my tired eyes shut
    “Perhaps its not over…” I whispered to myself
    “The monster I’m afraid of, may still be there”

    I stood in silence then for a while,
    Just quietly standing with my eyes tightly closed,
    Time slowly passed as I stood there scared…
    I’m not sure how long, But I could hear the birds waking up.

    Tears began to run down my cheeks
    My closed eyes couldn’t stop them at all
    “I don’t know if I can do this” I said to myself
    Wishing for some reassuring words to reply.

    My nose began to run also,
    As my tears began to pick up
    I realized now that I was alone
    That only I could do this…

    I tried to slow my breathing.
    Summon some inner strength…
    And as I did something inside me awoke
    Something I didn’t know I had.

    then without a thought,
    I quickly opened my eyes…
    I wiped away my tears,
    Sniffled my runny nose

    And then at last… I looked into the mirror clearly
    Stared at my own reflection staring back,
    Eleven years had past since I had seen my own face
    It truly was over now… I had done what I thought impossible

    Then I did something else remarkable
    Something that could only be described as a miracle
    I smiled my first real smile,
    I felt I no longer had to act.

    “I am going to be okay” I said to myself
    For some reason letting out a little giggle
    The battle I had fought against my own mind,
    The battle that raged against my own soul
    Had at last come to a close… It truly now was over…

    In my heart though I knew it wasn’t,
    That there would be a lot of work to do
    As with any war, a long journey ahead
    To overcome the past that is so very haunting.

    I stumbled my way back to bed
    Passing the window now that showed a red sky,
    Perhaps a warning to me that a bigger battles coming,
    Or perhaps its a storm to help wash away what was?

    I lay my head upon the pillow…
    I knew from now my life would change
    From this moment I didn’t see myself as a ghost…
    From this moment in my life, I had a name.

    As slowly I drifted off back to sleep with a yawn
    Exhausted as if I had run a marathon,
    I realized that I wasn’t ever really alone at all
    That it was with the help from others, that had made me this strong

    Then at last my mind was put to rest
    Slowly to slumber, quietly I went,
    To The first real sleep, that I ever had slept
    I had defeated the monster…
    Now a new life is ahead.


    January 18th, 2013 | Matty Angel | 5 Comments |

About The Author

Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!

5 Responses and Counting...

  • Cat 01.18.2013

    Absolutely beautiful, Matty :). I agree, not dark. Uplifting and inspiring.

  • Helen

    I’m so glad you could write this one, Matty. It’s been a long time coming. <3

  • Vic

    This is a lovely piece.

    *hugs* <3

  • Annabelle

    absolutley lovely Matty:)

  • Autism and Oughtisms

    Both haunting and uplifting. It’s a great poem Matty 🙂

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