So where is my writing? Where is me?
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So where is my writing? Where is me?
A question upon many peoples minds is what has happened to me. Where are the words that seem to flow from my confused and trapped mind so easily through my fingers but with so much struggle through my tongue. Well that question is one of which I think deserves an answer, for to keep such things so tightly sealed away seems unfair. Especially from those who have helped me to be here writing at this very moment.
As many of you know, this year has been tough. I am not sure exactly how I have survived it. Maybe it is luck? Or maybe it is something more spectacular. I am unsure. What I do know is that I am here… Though sometimes I wonder if bring here is really a blessing.
The single greatest event for me this year was being placed in a rest home for 6 weeks. Although it was wonderful to find myself for the first time around people, some of whom talked to me… I also found myself afraid, each day I wondered if anyone would visit and I questioned if I was seeing my end. It left me feeling empty and alone. Why should I continue to live if at the end of it all, I would be sitting in a similar room to room 12… like many others in their rooms… forgotten, lost… waiting for contact and an end.
These thoughts ate at me very much. Like a poison. In the end as many of you know, I ended up in psychiatric emergency with severe suicidal thoughts. I saw no hope and for some reason… I also lost my drive to write and do art.
I am happy to let you all know now that things are getting better. Recently some people in my life, both new and some old… have begun to remove that poison that has been eating at me… and make that end I saw, not feel like the end I have to have. I am very thankful and with the wonderful help and support of these beautiful people, I am even looking towards a possible future, not just surviving as I have been this year but looking towards what there maybe to come.
Some of these big steps and goals include increasing my abilities and education. Giving me basic skills that for reasons so difficult to explain. I do not have. They include beginning work on lessening my anxiety. Removing that feeling of my brain being squeezed and bringing to me a sense of happiness and calmness… And of course finding more people to share things with, especially since not everyone enjoys the things I do.
I am not sure if all my goals will be reached anytime soon… or if at all. But I want to let you all know that I am making progress on them. I am very thankful for all the support from everyone… even if at times I don’t always show it. Every time I get a message I smile, even if I don’t reply due to things going on in my head or events happening elsewhere. Every time someone has indicated that have read or enjoyed my work, it brings me joy, even if I say nothing. That support keeps me going.
All I ask from now, is that I am given patience, and that no one gives up on me, so that I do not give up on myself.
Thank you everyone
I love you all so much~ “Matty” Angel
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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Hi Matty. I’m really sorry to hear that you have been unwell. I’m pleased to hear that things are beginning to get better and that you have goals that you are working toward. Goals can be changed and the goal posts can be widened or narrowed as our needs change. Personal goals mean that you own them so they can take as little or long to achieve as you want! I am quite sure that you have the ability to work towards your goals and adapt them as you need to in order to be that person you want to be. Kind regards, Sharon.
Matty, you are by far the strongest person I have ever met and will probably ever meet. You’ve gone through so many tough experiences, but each time, have come out bigger and stronger than before. It’s like you’ve been through a metamorphosis and are now a beautiful butterfly!
You’re an incredibly talented writer Matty!
I’m so glad you made it through this year. What a year it’s been! A very educational year. Hope and love, what fine things to end up with!
Matty, you may not know this, but your stories, your art, your poetry and all that you share with us, your readers and your friends, renews us when we are feeling down and also gives us the boost that we all need now and then not to give up on ourselves and our dreams. I just want you to know how much you are appreciated and loved. 🙂