Being Me- By Matty Angel
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NB: This is very special and very different but its something I have to write.
Being Me – By Matty Angel
Often when I ask people how I should act in certain situations so that I can make friends or be appropriate, they respond “You should just be you” -Â But being me seems to be the thing that people have a problem with that makes me ask the question in the first place. It is kind of an illogical answer… but its one that I have learned to accept.
For most my life people have been afraid of me. I remember when I was so young drawing strange symbols in a book and making maps, people thought perhaps some kind of demon had possessed me. Really I was just struggling to read English so made my own language and since writing stories was hard I drew them. I still own some of those books and I look at them sometimes and read the stories by looking at the pictures and notes. But as much as I enjoy them, I hate them. I hate that they made me appear different to others and I hate that they made people afraid of me.
Having people afraid now as an adult is one of my fears. But it is a fear because it has happened so often. Once a policeman came to talk to me at the park because I was staring at the shapes on the play ground while I was alone. I did not know how to respond and they seemed to not like that. I was lucky I had my medical alert around my neck…. it protects me from being taken away for being strange. Interestingly enough that has happened before too. I was touching trees while walking down the street and a policewoman asked if I was drunk. I did not understand as I have never had alcohol and you have to have that in order to be drunk. I have never had drugs either and they asked me that too.
I think though I most notice the fear people have of me when children are around. There parents seem to not want them to talk to me. Maybe they think I am going to hurt them? I never hurt anyone so I really hope they do not think that. I also don’t say bad words so I hope they don’t think I will do that too. I notice it when they try to stop them being near me, sitting near me or communicating to me. However the children themselves, they love to come up and talk to me. I think its because I am always wearing bright colors. I really love spending time with children. They are the only ones who know how to play and I really love playing.
I have experienced the angry afraid too. That is the one that makes people say mean things. I remember once I was in the shopping mall and I was having a meltdown and repeating the order of the letters on the keyboard and occasionally banging my head with my hand, and a lady said that people like me should not be in public. This kind of afraid is the most scary, because its the kind where I have to worry if people will try to harm me. I am most afraid of people physically harming me. I have experienced enough of that for a life time already.-
Once when I put my feet on a chair, I hate sitting with my feet touching the ground and someone called me some very bad words… I wonder what they were afraid of to be so angry? If anyone knows, let me know.Another kind of afraid is one that is just caused by people not understanding. Once I was trying to work out a pattern in the carpet of a government building. I was trying to work out where it started and finished. It was a very strange pattern. A lady came up yelling at me and swearing. She was so angry. She wanted to know why I was staring at someone and was yelling very loudly. I was to overwhelmed to talk, but what she thought was different to what was happening.-
This also happened once when I was asked to sit in a chair by a support person, however when I sat in the chair a lady began to talk and tell me off, saying I needed to give it up for an elderly lady. But I did not know what to do as I was told to sit there. I think a similar situation to this one was when someone yelled at me for not assisting someone by picking up things dropped. But I did not know I was suppose to do that. I do now. Now I always ask if they need help.
I have seen people afraid of me in a different way too. Sometimes they just ignore me. Like I do not exist. They do not talk to me, they do not say hello. Even if I say hello to them. I think this is a kind of afraid. Though I am not really sure how to process this one. I am afraid of not existing. I don’t want to turn into a ghost.Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, that My name is Matty Angel and I am friendly, not scary. Â I am not scary and if I am, its a good idea to tell me so I can fix it to be less scary. If I ever am scary, its a mistake. No one has to be afraid of me. I don’t drink alcohol, I have never taken any drugs or medicine apart from the ones that my Doctor said I had too., and I do not say bad words. I also have trouble to not follow rules and signs, and I do not lie. I also REALLY love people. I like how they move and talk and the interesting things they say, they are never the same.
So even though people a lot of my life have been afraid of me, please know that you don’t have to be… and if I give reason, its a good idea to let me know.
Love Matty Angel
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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4 Responses and Counting...
i am glad to hear that you are getting out a bit. your last year must have been difficult enough. but i hope it is getting better now. hugs from the alps.
Hey Matty Angel, I think you are fabulous and would love to meet you one day!
Matty,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about fears – both yours and how others seem to be afraid of you.
As a wheelchair user, many people have stared at me as I grew up. My favorite is when children stare. I love to help them see me better, especially when their parents try to stop them. That’s when I get in front of them so they can see me the best without getting scolded by their parents for staring.
Although the fears others have of us may be similar, the difference between your situation and mine is that my physical differences are more obvious. As you stated, people cannot tell at first glance if you’re drugged, drunk, mentally ill, or unsafe. Sadly, they often allow their fears and/or lack of understanding of who you are and how your are overwhelm them which causes them to overreact in very negative, illogical, and unproductive ways toward you or around you.
The good news is that, for most of these people, their reactions can and will change over time as they get to know you (or others like you) and as they learn how best to interact with you (or others like you). Fear of the unknown will vanish as they discover all the beauties and warmth and love you bring forth into the world that they too can experience and share by getting to know you.
Please, do not let your fears of others being afraid of you prevent you from getting out and experiencing and enjoying the world!
Matty, this was beautifully written and really explains how you feel and how other people respond to you. I hope that your trips to the playgrounds are helping and working out well for you. And I still don’t find you in the tiniest bit scary!
Christine Xx
P.S. I bought the Lego movie DVD and will Skype you after I watch it – you convinced me I should see it 🙂