Just thinking to myself
-
NB: Sorry everyone, just thinking to myself… putting it here for now.
As I sit here staring into emptiness
I am left wondering if there is a place for me in this world,
I would like to hope so with this world being so big…
That there would be somewhere for me to be safe.
But for that to be so…. people would have to understand me…
How can they understand me when I don’t understand myself?Its so hard to explain why I like playing with blocks on the floor
Listening to rhymes and jumping when excited…
And why I can sit here typing such complex things on a computer…
Yet not always bring these words out with my voice?
Or why can I read something allowed one day then not the next not remember how?
Then there is the question of why when I am scared and anxious I run away or get lost.I wish so much for answers right now
But… Then maybe I don’t.
Would answers really solve peoples ability to understand?
I don’t know… and would I even understand the answers given?I keep telling myself I need to grow old…
I need to get older.
But for some reason I never can.
I can’t stop liking what I like or being the way that I am
But imagine if I could…
Perhaps people would be able to cope with me better.Gosh, my thoughts are so confusing…
One certainty I do have though, Â is that I am afraid.
Afraid there is no where that I belong…
No where for me to be safe…
So afraid… that this emptiness looks so appealing.For now I just hope this fear does not make me act in ways I regret
I think and feel I harm and upset enough people already…
It would be unforgivable to hurt them more than I already do.
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
Leave a Reply
3 Responses and Counting...
How beautiful and what a gift you have given us your friends. The beautiful gift of an honest look inside your mind – Lots of hugs and thank you Matty. I hope you are talking to a specialist or counsellor about how you are feeling and sharing with them how you are sharing with us.
Matty you are a very unique and special person and I believe that one day you will find your place in this world. You already do so many things that I admire, your art, your writing, your honesty, your computer skills, you’ve been published, you’ve spoken at universities. If you just keep on being you, trying different things like you do -I know one day you will find a place you feel at home.
Many hugs Vanessa
You write so much better now than when I met you. You’ve come such a long, long way. I hope that some day, maybe even soon, you will learn to accept yourself and feel at home in your own skin. Such an amazing person you are, so full of life and smarts and funniness. And fears and such, too. hmmm…. Sounds like a real person 🙂
Matty, you never need to apologize for being you! We love you just as your are and you are the best at being you. I recently watched a program on Netflix about someone who had Asperger’s syndrome, OCD and Bi-Polar disabilities. He expressed some of the feelings that you’ve shared with us also and I could understand just a bit better because you have been my friend and my teacher.
Yes, it is sad that so many people do not feel comfortable or safe in their own skins as Helen so nicely puts it, but yet I cannot help but think that the uneasiness or sense of fear one feels in life can be the gentle nudge, the tiny flickering spark of something wonderful growing within about to be born be it in word, or art, or something spectacular not yet dreamed of.
So, embrace your feelings, share your feelings, focus on all your accomplishments, and try to let go of the hurts and the fears that seem to hold you back sometimes because you are every bit as worthy of love, friendship, laughter, and everything else good in this world as anyone else on this planet.