Thoughts on a recent event and a summary of my beliefs and things about me… By Matty Angel
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Thoughts on a recent event and a summary of my beliefs and things about me… By Matty Angel
NB: Before you read this please know this is not written to hurt anyone, its just been written to help myself process something that happened in my life. I was not even intending to share it, however I have decided it is more helpful shared than not.
I have been thinking how to write this for nearly two weeks now… thinking how to put into words just what is going on in my mind. I will be honest, I still have no idea… so I am just going to write and see what happens.
On Monday the 13th of April 2015, someone hurt me more than I knew was possible. Its amazing really… I have been hurt before… physically, emotionally… I have been made to feel unloved and especially unwanted. Yet none of that compared to how I felt that Monday night… when someone who I looked up to, respected and thought of as a friend, told me that my beliefs made me dangerous to be around her children. Children who I thought of as my best friends. People I loved.
I didn’t really understand it… as I had more in common with her than many of my other friends. We were both Christian, I thought how she parented was admirable. She was also kind, caring and gentle and invited me into her home and to see how a family functions.
I wish I could understand better just what happened. Maybe people in her church gave her council that determined me bad… or maybe I just made her question things that made her scared? I don’t know…Â But… she in the end asked me to leave her life, or at least her children’s life. But you can’t really be friends with someone who is afraid to have you around their children.
One of the things that confused me most about this whole event, was that I never did speak the beliefs she did not agree with around her children. In fact, I had only spoken to her privately about what I was thinking to her… I thought I guess that perhaps if I spoke these things to another Christian, she would help me think on them better. I always did find it hard to think alone and working out what I believe and what I think, that is such a hard thing to do. Maybe that is because I have autism? Or maybe its just because I need reassurance. I am not sure. I feel my trust was kind of abused… She told me I could trust her, but then… used that trust as a reason to make me go away. Also I am trying to work out if I was judged bad, or if I actually acted bad. The bible says not to Judge and so I am very confused on this one.
When I asked this person what beliefs they found bad. They said to me two. One was that I think its okay for people to be transgender… and the other was that I believe all people go to heaven. The second one is easy to answer. I am not really sure if all people go to heaven… or if only good people go. I have not really formed a belief yet. But I do kind of wish that those I love so much… that I will see them again.
Now the first one is a bit more complicated…I believe that if I can be born with a confusing body, with a brain that doesn’t always work perfectly… and hands that seem to burn and feel things so sensitively… then perhaps someone can be born with a body and a brain not matching? I am not sure. I do not think that sexuality and gender are connected. So its entirely possible in my mind, to be so confused as to who you are and not sin.
Anyway, this whole situation has hurt me, left me crying for weeks… in fact I am still crying off and on about it, which is why I wrote this to start with. Just to process what has happened and work out a way to cope.
One thing is for sure though. I never want to go through this again… I have dealt with everything from suicide, to questions of if I am bad or good, to even anxiety I maybe hurting people I love without knowing it. I don’t want this to happen again. So below I am going to list things about me and some things that I truly DO believe in. That way, when I make a new friend they will know where I stand on things.
About me and some things I think
I have Autism
I do not believe in neurodiversity
I do wish to be cured some how.
I really like hugs
I don’t like surprisesÂI think I am ugly
I am scared of myself
I worry I was born evil due to things I was told growing up.
I am constantly upset because I can’t seem to be “Old”I love people,
I love animalsI do not really have contact with family, the little bits I do are very unpleasant… Not seen them in years.
I truly wish for a place to belong… a home, a place to fit in.I am Christian and do believe in God…
I am a practicing Christian and pray and read the bible.
I do not belong to a specific church and like to call myself HopefulI believe in Love of all people as it says in the bible. This means Homeless, Addicts, Sexual minorities and those who are ill and disabled.
I believe its okay to Love people without having to trust them and without having to allow them in society
I also believe that you can love someone and leave the judging of their sins up to God as long as no ones hurt.
I also think you can love someone with different beliefs than yourself.I believe in following the 10 commandments, That Jesus came to earth and that we are all saved. As well as in prayer.
I believe God works through people here on Earth and does so especially in answering prayers.
I believe in not saying anything mean even when people are mean to you.
I believe in Forgiveness, even though it sometimes takes time.I believe that its okay to seek guidance from others here on Earth, especially since God works through people.
I believe its okay to have friends with different beliefs, that its my job to only talk my beliefs with others who think differently when asked and to always reply gently and with respect. I think that part of being Christian is having love, time and patience and that those are the greatest tools people have especially when it comes to questions of faith. I have friends of many religions and even no religion and even those like me confused and hopeful. I love these people. And I do not ever wish harm on them.
The fact my close friends who think differently know about my beliefs and choose not to tell me I am wrong, bad or get upset…Â allows me to admire them. One day I hope they can have the faith I have but that is their journey. My love patience and time will be here when they do. I will never abandon them over something as trivial as thoughts.
All I really want in life, is to be safe.
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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17 Responses and Counting...
Wishing you all the safeness you want. Hugs.
Dear MattyAngel, i am an atheist but i strongly believe that religion is a personal matter. Especially in the way that you dont control or influence other peoples thoughts and beliefs. And i strongly oppose fundamentalism, whatever religion is involved. Dont let anyone tell you what to believe. Hugs from the other side of the world.
glad you can express yourself like this…you dont realise how really good you are…you are a clever young lady…dont listen to negative people…surround yourself with fun loving open hearted, loving, caring, kind people… unfortunately us Christians fall short of Gods ideals for how we should be accepting of others and how we should behave ourselves let alone be telling someone else how to live! Hugs Sal
Love and hugs and kindness all around. I will post a longer comment after I have processed all that’s been shared. <3
So very clearly written, my precious girl! I am proud of you, and impressed, again. You know my thoughts and feelings on what has happened with this friend.
My God created us in his image…our HEARTS and minds in his image…so he loves what is in our hearts and in our minds, not the presentation of our bodies, not our genders, not our sexual orientations.
And He loves us in spite of what is in our hearts and minds sometimes!
Awwww Hugest hugs Matty. I so admire the way you share yourself with us. THANK YOU. The saddest thing here is that your questionable ‘friend’ not only broke God’s commandment by judging you, she has also lost a loving friend in you. It’s so heartbreaking Mattty when when people judge others and sadly it happens far too often in all walks of life. Matty just keep on being you, because you are JUST WHO YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 🙂 Love Rebs
Matty, you have written some amazing words and expressed yourself so well. There are alot of people who should read your words so they could understand more about who you are and the beautiful person you are. Pan and I will always be your friends. Please take care and keep writing these wonderful words.
Hi Angel… I haven’t spoken with you in so long and I miss our conversations. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Mathew 7:3-5 and I think your friend may need to be reacquainted with it. You will always be better off without people like that in your life. I know it’s hard but don’t be sad with those that have left your life, but be happy with those that are still part of your life… and by the looks of all the prior posts… you have a lot of great people in your life that truly care for you and don’t judge you.
talk soon tater from New York 🙂
Dear Matty, I am sorry that you were hurt. I hope that with the help of other friends you feel connected and loved. It is a pity for the children who have lost a friend.
You are not bad. It sounds like the only reason you were considered dangerous is because of ignorance. Some people feel threatened by differences and ideas they don’t understand, particularly when they are told to believe something without questioning. Some people fear having to try and explain things they don’t understand to their children. That’s not your fault at all. Perhaps your friend tried to understand by being friends with you but ultimately was unable to in some way. It’s hurtful but it’s good your friend talked to you about no longer being able to be your friend. At least she had enough respect for you to not leave you hanging. Just remember, there are still people who love and care about you even if someone says they do not. *hugs*
Beautifully written, Matty. You are a REAL Christian and you walk the walk. I am so sorry you were hurt. Many hugs!
I can’t believe you’ve had to suffer through another person doing that same type of thing to you. Really hurts my faith in humanity but must remember there are some good cookies out there too *points to the other commenters* (hug)
Your writing is so heartfelt and beautiful. I am sad that you have been hurt in this way, but hope that all of the kind words above will help you realise how much we appreciate and care for you.
With love and hugs,
Angela
Matty, it’s me again, Betaburn from LBM. To put it quite simply, your beliefs are beautiful as is the way you articulate them. I’m not a Christian, but I think you understand the teachings of Jesus Christ extremely well, including love, tolerance, and non-judgement. I wish you peace!
Hi Matty, I’m not a Christian so can’t comment on your beliefs about heaven. But I feel you have it bang on with your opinion about transgender people. No one would choose such a hard & painful road, they are born that way.
I do know that some Christians are open-minded and tolerant and others are judgmental and self-righteous and I don’t know how they reconcile their bad attitudes with their religion. I’m sorry that person betrayed you so badly, and also cost her own children a good friend. It was short sighted and stupid and you deserved better – so did her kids.
Matty, the woman who hurt you has no right to call herself a Christian, she does not understand love or what it means to be a Christian. In my opinion, she is the bad one, you are not! You are the most caring, loving and sweet person I know. I am proud of you for writing this and I wish I could take all of your pain away. <3
I came across your website by accident but wow, i’m left feeling amazed. Through your words I believe you are a truly gifted individual and anyone who has the pleasure of meeting you will never quite be the same.
This post in particular makes me incredibly sad for you, not feeling sorry for you but that you had to experience the awfulness of people! I’m a mother and I am of the opinion my children would be incredibly blessed and enriched to have a person like you in their lives! someone who takes people for who they are and understands that we are not all of one fit!
Keep strong, you are an amazing person! Don’t question your beliefs for someone else. They are yours, and yours alone. Xo