Random thoughts – Living in Memory (Dark Poem, sorry)
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I find myself living in memory
I find myself living in memory
Wishing I could change the past…
Tearing up at what I did wrong
And feeling guilty about decisions done.I question why things happened
Wonder how I could be so stupid
And I find myself believing something awful…
That perhaps I deserve all of this.That I deserve the pain
Deserve the loneliness…
Deserve the abandonment
And deserve the scars I carryThis awful thought is horrible
It makes me feel alone
And I hope I can get over it…
Because its certainly hurting me so.
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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Matty, I think you are feeling things that are completely normal. Human nature is a strange thing sometimes. Just because we think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true. You are not alone, absolutely not. And as far as time goes.. it inevitably passes, as it always has. You are a cherished person and a wonderful person and friend to many.
Wow Matty! You captured those feelings perfectly in words. Now that captured them, learn what you can, and tell them that they are not welcomed to stay with you. You can’t keep them. Shoosh them away! We can’t change the past and we can’t take responsibility for the reactions or behaviors of others. You don’t deserve to feel badly. You have one of the purest heart and intentions of anyone I have ever met! It saddens me to know that you have suffered so much cruelty and injustice and abuse in your lifetime. But I believe that you have taken all that pain and suffering and transformed into the miraculous person that we are honored to to know an love so very much!
Aw, Matty, don’t sweat this stuff. You’ve got a good heart and stuff happens sometimes that we don’t mean. We can just look forward to the future to do better.
We all make mistakes and if you try to learn something from them, you don’t deserve pain.
Sweetie, anything you may have done wrong pales in comparison to all the good you do for every life you touch. you truly are loved and cherished.