My Fear

  • NB: Hello everyone, this poem… well its more my thoughts than a poem.

    WARNING THIS IS LONG 

    I get paranoid, I worked so hard to be safe, and have stability. And every time I read the news, turn on the TV. I see this lady and this man on there, that keep saying things about me. Not directly about me, but all the numbers they mention include me. Things like I am stealing, that I am a horrible person. Just because I need support, care and help.

    I never asked for this body, I never asked for any of my disabilities. I never asked to have trouble understanding the world around me, the depression, anxiety… These people, they keep making life harder for me, and not just financially.. but emotionally. They make me feel like I am a burden on society… And that needing support is a bad horrible thing.

    I am tired of being made out to be some monster… and so this is a reminder to everyone here to take a moment to think about what they are being told.

    My fears.

    I am paranoid and live with fear
    That the stability I love will leave,
    Because a man and woman in an office believes…
    That they know what is best for me.

    But they do not walk in my shoes,
    They do not know what its like to be me…
    And they do not know how hard I try
    They judge me based on numbers in files.

    If it was up to me I would be doing so much more
    And one day I hope to be a writer…
    But to work for others I need patience, acceptance and tolerance
    To work for others I need someone willing to give time and accept me.

    I also cannot study like others can
    I do not learn the usual way…
    Believe me I have tried to,
    Its because my brain is wired differently…

    Its not good and its not bad…
    its just as it is.
    But that doesn’t mean I’m useless
    That I don’t have hopes, goals or dreams

    It does mean that I need support though,
    From all sorts of different agencies…
    And it does mean the world I live in
    Has to help take care of me.

    Now these certain men and woman in offices,
    Somewhere high above the world I dwell,
    They see numbers on paper as important
    Not the people to which they belong.

    And as election time gets closer
    They may say things about me that are not true…
    Such as I am a lazy ‘con-artist’ or ‘bludger’
    And that I am trying to destroy this country through stealing.

    Little do these people know,
    That the last thing I want to be is that…
    And if I could live without the care I have
    I would do it in a heartbeat.

    But how can I be stealing with the way I live,
    I only eat once a day after-all…
    I go without things to keep important needs
    For my safety and my health.

    I sacrifice important needs like food,
    So that I can pay for insurance,
    An important part of life for me…
    Since I live in Christchurch

    I have to make up the difference for medical needs
    Because they never increased the limit after GST went up,
    So when they gave me my 5 dollars compensation,
    It didn’t cover anything…

    And then there’s the cost of other things important
    Doctor Visits, Warm Clothes, internet and twenty dollars Phone Credit
    And if you think Phone Credit and internet is not important…
    You must have no problems with communicating or structure.
    When you have trouble talking…
    It could be the difference between safety and fear.

    Then there’s cost of heating from the cold, lighting from the dark,
    Which is so expensive I can barely manage…
    My power account is usually in debt,
    I am lucky that Genesis is patient,
    And good friends are there for me.

    These people say I do things like drink alcohol too,
    Though I do not drink a drop at all,
    They say that I am buying illegal drugs… or smokes.
    Yet I have never done any in my lifetime.

    These lies are from people who no idea…
    Ignorant, judgemental people…
    Who used these same benefits to move themselves forward
    And now wish to stop all others…

    They have forgotten that there are people
    Lives behind each number presented,
    That they are not all the same
    And each of them have different needs.

    Some of them need help to dress
    Some need help to get out of bed
    Some need help to shower clean
    And some just need to given medicine.

    So I guess what I am saying,
    … Well that I am begging
    Is just remember that there are peoples lives behind those numbers presented,
    And not all of them are the way that they say,
    Spend time to think out your judgement carefully…
    And don’t demean the support some people need,
    Its hard enough to need it already.


    October 10th, 2011 | Matty Angel | 2 Comments |

About The Author

Matty is a 37 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!

2 Responses and Counting...

  • Kathy 10.10.2011

    Matty, I hear you…
    I turned them off long ago,
    their noises are not part of my life
    and many more that I know
    agree that society needs to be reassembled
    but, not at the expense of you!

  • Diane

    Matty, you are right those people who make those negative comments have never had to live in your shoes to experience what you do on a daily basis. I don’t listen to them because I know people like you who enrich my life, even though they may need some support. You are a very talented, caring person.

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