I feel like a problem… and I feel like I’m cursed. (Extremely long rambly rant)
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Dear world
I have never felt more like a problem than these last few days. To those that don’t know I became suicidal and was placed in a crisis home. On Thursday I was sent home… only psych emergency decided I should go see them on my way home, not at the home before I went. I saw them and there is still no plan for if this happens again… and do not understand the idea of someone being dependent, unable and alone. What makes it even worse is when I finally got a plan… they did not stick to it, they sent no one to check on me that Thursday night. – I discovered that my notebook computer was missing that night and ended up panicking and… well I guess the word is messing up my house hoping it would appear. (I have since filed a police report and a claim with insurance, but the excess it $550 so I am not sure if they will accept the claim and give any back.)
Okay now before you read on, I want everyone to know though that I don’t feel like the world owes me and I don’t feel like I have nothing. I am not ungrateful and I am not hateful. I am thankful for all I have and all that’s been blessed upon me.. I know that people care and that I am loved, all the love I have received from far and near is one reason why I am still here. So please, the last thing I want is for you to feel guilty, say sorry and to feel bad. Phew, okay… lets continue.
Why do people like to use my anxiety as constant reminder of how much trouble I am. I’m always reminded by people that they are doing extra things for me. For instance at the crisis respite I was reminded that people bringing me food, because getting food required me to walk out in the dark, was special… People seem to look at what I find so difficult… and turn it into a way to make me feel that I am taking, that I am problematic… that I am a drain. Those feelings have really hurt. I always say thank you, sorry, please… I draw for people… I want people to feel appreciated… but instead I am reminded that I’m some how in the way. Am I doing something wrong?
On Thursday while explaining my fear about not having a plan for going home, because I cannot easily talk on the phone, and need instructions… I was told to come up with one myself. Being autistic and with disabilities is not understood by some people who truly need to understand. Its not a choice to not be able to do some of the social things I can’t do… I would like to say that it is just all ignorance, a lack of knowledge about Autism and all related to it… but I also think many don’t want to learn too. The system in general seems to only cater to the most able. If I wanted to call 111 but I was non verbal at that moment… then what do I do other than texting someone else to? What if they are busy and don’t get it? There is a system set up, but its focussed on hearing impaired not those with other communication impairments. I wish I was in a position to talk to people and fix that.
One of my biggest problems right now is  social isolation, Most organizations involved with me remind me often that there is nothing that can be done about it… and those that don’t try but keep getting told there is nothing and always bring back the bad news.If your wondering why I have social isolation, well… its simple really, I require support to be out in the community… but there’s no funding for that support to enable me to be. As a semi independent adult… I baffle the system… an enigma. They look at me and say if you can live on your own (Ignoring that I have care worker), then say that “you can go out on your own too.” They don’t understand that just because I can take a taxi to art group on my own now, does not mean I can take a taxi anywhere I want on my own.
Organizations around me also for some weird reason, can’t comprehend the idea of having no family. There seems to be some magical expectation that family will help you if you have a disability. I think sometimes they fail to think outside of their own experiences to realize not everyone is blessed with the privilege.
In general… it seems the way the system for support is set up, is that the more I try to be independent… Well the less help I am entitled too. This creates a bigger problem, because with the support I can become independent. It took a year of having a support worker and using taxis… but at last I got to the point I could do it on my own. I am so proud that I can do that, go to Art on my own. That was with the help of a grant. If they just enabled me, I could it, I want to do it.
I guess what I am rambling about is… well I’m scared. As I said I have no real family… and few to no friends outside the computer. The ones I have are so far away, (And I love and thank every day that you are in my life, even from a distance)… the ones close seem busy… which at times can make them feel even further away. I know its not their fault, lives change and time moves on… people need to do what they need to do! But that doesn’t change that I feel alone sometimes, that I cry often… that I’m afraid. Without the opportunity to meet new people outside the computer… my circle often dwindles.
I never realized till I was this low, that my very existence by many… was seen as annoying…. That for me to be in the world, people have to make exceptions… and that exceptions seem to be what make people most angry. At least that’s what I think it is… well… I put a lot of thought into it and that seems right. This realization I think makes me angry too… which is weird since I don’t usually get angry. It makes me angry at my disabilities… feel like I am cursed and … makes me so confused. Not in a way that makes me go “why me” because I like to believe that I have them so someone else doesn’t have to… but more in a “What did I do wrong” – like they are a punishment… Sorry, rambling…
Anyway.
I know society is not set up for me. But I guess getting help is not either. But I’m trying… I am trying to be here… and trying to get help. I often say my super power is surviving, its always been that way. I want to live… I am trying to make other options so that the dark ones are not all I have… and I’m so glad that I have you all, my wonderful friends and even just general readers who donate a minute of their time to give the words I write any meaning.
Its all about time I suppose… and I guess I take and require too much. At least that’s how I feel. I guess I am writing this to just tell you all I’m trying.
With Much Love
Matty Angel
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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9 Responses and Counting...
Oh Matty, you certainly know how to write! Your plight touches the souls of all of us that read this. You are such an intelligent, soulful person, and it breaks my heart to read your letter of pain and struggle against an unforgiving and somewhat selfish self serving society. Be strong girl! Don’t let the wrong temptations get the better of you, you are much better than that. Keep writing, keep releasing your frustrations so they don’t build up. I would think this letter would be very interesting to a major newspaper in your country, it might be enough to make some change for people with a disability. And you could be the person that makes the difference. Stay strong Matty, we are thinking of you.
Oooh ooh… and more art! I love your art!
Beautifully written, Matty. You just keep getting better at writing every time you do it! Bless your heart, I know you are trying. I’m sorry it’s so much work for you to do just normal things that other people don’t even think about when they do them. Love you lots, and wish you luck with the people you have to deal with.
Wow Matty – you are an amazing and insightful writer -your words touch me and others and I wish we didn’t live so far away. It’s a horrible, judgmental world sometimes and I only wish you didn’t have to go through this. Matty Nick is right I too believe a national newspaper may well like to take u this story and the injustice you are experiencing. Words seem to be one of the gifts you have and how wonderful it would be if your gift could not only find a solution for you but for others too 🙂
Hugest hugs hun and take care
loev Vanessa
i really hate to hear that you feel as being annoying. you are not to me. it is the other way round. the way you tell us about your condition is enlightening to me. and i am so proud of you being able to attend your art class. (btw i really like it) i strongly believe you have covered new ground last year and i hope this will be going on. if we internet ppl can be of any help, just ask. i hope that your work as a writer and artist will draw some attention to your case. have good times as far as possible. all the best from moutainous europe.
and another thing. you are entitled to a rant. rant as much as you like. otherwise we wouldnt understand…
Hang in there, Matty. It does not always get better, but slowly we get better at adapting to and accepting things. Keep on pushing your boundaries. Hugs.
Sending many hugs your way Matty!
I feel sad that as one of the nearest living friends that I have not spent more time with you. If you need to chat, I can usually be caught in the evenings on the internet.
You are certainly not a problem to me – you are a unique and wonderful individual and I enjoy spending time with you. Know that there are people out there that care about you.
Angela
Oh Matty:( I felt so sad when I read this. Sad that nobody is taking the time to listen and understand how you feel, sad that funding is cut all the time and sad that the system is the way it is….You explain things so clearly and your writing is so good, I feel you have a great talent.
Please be strong and hold onto the feeling that you are unique and special and you deserve to be here in this world and be happy, because you do.
Even though we are internet voices, we still care Matty:) Please remember that.