More thoughts and feelings…. Just trying to work out my place in the world
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Just trying to work out my place in the world
Recently it has occurred to me just how different I am
I always knew I was out of the box… strange…. weird…
But I never realized just how much I was.I realized recently… That I am old. But not in the usual sense…
What I mean is that I am somehow to old for my brain
Or I guess I should say… My brain isn’t old enough for my body.The things I like seem not okay now,
I never thought about it before.
I like toys, lego, playing games and children’s songs
I like Pre school TV shows… Giggling and being sillyRecently this year, my support team and I
We have been trying to find things for me to do
Places to go…. And maybe even… a place to belong.
Not accepted, but actually belong.That is when the realization came to me…
The things I like are made to be not okay.
And I am to old for the groups that do the exciting things I would enjoy
Very few people want to spend time with me, doing what I like.
Which in the end makes me feel very lonely.I want to like other stuff… and compromise what I like so they will be around me.
You know, the things I find boring right now.
Cars, drinking coffee at a Cafe… sport, talking about things seriously… relationships?
I don’t really know… what I know is that I need to change if I want to not be alone.People keep telling me I need to embrace myself, like myself…
That I need to be okay with who I am
They don’t get it though. Being accepted, even accepting myself…
Well it doesn’t mean I have a sense of belonging.
People can accept you and still not have much time for you.On the odd occasion that someone makes the effort to invite me over
To share dinner with me and maybe watch a movie that I may like
Or do something fun just for me…
Those are the happiest days… I am so grateful for them,..
But the gaps between them are so big that I feel so lost.I think now I am at a point where I need some answers
Answers for why I am this way
An answer so that people can better relate to me
So that I can find a place to belong…
And people… who may want to spend time with me without to much compromising.So I guess I am writing this to let you all know
I am going to try get those answers
That right now I am… just super confused about myself.
I don’t know how I will get these answers yetMaybe I will need to get money to see people and get some reports written and words…
Words to help me understand myself…
Or maybe… I will just lock away all the things I like and… try to change who I am by force?
Perhaps I will just keep looking hoping someone or something comes along with time…
I just don’t know yet.What I do know is that I am alone
That I want a place to belong
That I seem to cry a lot about it recently
Maybe more so since what happened to me with my last friend?
And that I need to do something.Anyway… Thanks for reading…
I had to put my thoughts and feelings somewhere.
And hope none of you mind.I promise I will get back to some real writing soon,
Till then, please just bare with me.Love Matty Angel
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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4 Responses and Counting...
*hug* I’m sorry you feel alone. At the same time you acknowledge not being alone completely. There may not be people who fully appreciate your favorite things the way you do but there are people who care about you and want you to be happy. I know it’s not the same but I’m glad you have at least that. You deserve more, of course.
Big long distance hugs Matty. You may be different but you are very special and aware of your difference, so many people have no idea who they are. Yet you with all your differences are doing the wise thing and are looking deep inside as well as outside for answers. I am sad that you feel so alone and wished the world was smaller so that I could be an active friend. I don’t know what to say sweetheart except that I do so admire how you are trying to find an answer that fulfils you, rest assured there are many people who love and admire you and wish they lived closer. I have no answers for you but was wondering if there was somewhere like a large family, playgroup or after school care where you could help out by playing with the children, i know my grandchildren would love a bigger person ti sit and play lego or a board game or draw with them. I don’t think the answer lies in you totally changing who you are and what you like but more in finding some activities you can join in and play appropriately with little people who have the same interests you have. Anyway hun, sorry for my rambling lots of hugs and many many good wishes, bright rainbows and dreams of talking teddies coming your way from the land of Aus.
Matty, you’re a remarkable person; so full of love and caring for others; laughter and light. I think Vanessa is on to something when she suggests that maybe you could volunteer or help out someplace where you could be supportive of younger persons who like doing the things that you like to do. In the USA, we have Big Brother / Big Sister and “Adoptive” Grandparent programs that match up kids with adults, so the adults can share their time and attention with kids who need some genuine healthy interaction in their lives. I could easily see you in a Big Sister role now and maybe when you get older as an “Adoptive” Grandparent who spends quality time with younger folks. You know, it okay to like the things you do. I know plenty of people who could benefit greatly by slowing down from their own personally created life traps and get back to the basics; the simpler things in life that you still love dearly that most have brushed away or forgotten as they have aged.
When adults have children or when they become teachers of younger children, volunteers, or classroom aides, they are given the opportunity to experience and play with kids with the things you like every day. Surely, they must enjoy such activities and they are not considered to be abnormal or weird. They are looked upon as beneficial to society.
Well, that’s my perspective. I hope that helps you feel a bit better about yourself and perhaps improve your circumstances somehow. Big huge warm hugs from continents away.
Matty, what you write about so eloquently is what everybody feels to some degree but not necessarily to the degree that you feel. We all have to find our place in this world. As others said, you can’t do this by changing yourself entirely and impersonating others. You have to be you (which is a great thing anyway!) Finding a way to make it all work is the tough problem. Others have given you a few good suggestions.