Things that have happened lately.
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Recently in an online setting, I was hurt. Someone was acting in a way around me that made me so upset. In a process of trying to work out how I could cope and manage… someone threatened to hurt me associated to these people. It triggered my PTSD. The person that was friends with that one who threatened me. They did not check on me, say sorry for what happened in her space… or condemn that action.
After I was a threatened contact ceased between some of the people… well just stopped some of it, apart from contact with one person. The one I most cared about.
I tried my best to show them my love and kindness. To stay in touch with them and support them. But at the same time I was growing lonely waiting on them to have time to. I told this person I needed to look for some new friends to be with. But still wished to be her friend when we were able to. I guess I approached it wrong, I knew she was going to be very hurt but I thought things would be okay.
I am use to making mistakes with people and hurting others but I try my best not to do it intentionally. But I seem to continue to cause harm… I hope this is not a statement about myself.
Today after some stressful anxiety and trying to understand what was happening I had a conversation with a friend of my friend. They said I was manipulative and toying with there emotions. That I should have understood some things that were to happen. If I did I did so unintentionally. These are not things I want to do.
I don’t know if my friend will message me again or still be my friend. I still so love her and will continue to think of her each day and pray for her, I will leave it to her and wait for her to decide… if it be now or in a year. But I wanted to write this out to try understand what happened, what I did wrong and how I can do it differently next time.
I have a lot of anxiety about the harm I am causing others by accident, especially if its actions that people do not bring up to me directly. I am so confused and lost. Autism makes these friendships so hard and trying to work out the right reactions to things even harder. I am very mad at myself.
For those that know me, please can you contact me and tell me what is hard about being my friend, what I can do differently and please help me to understand what I need to do in order to be a better friend.
I don’t want to have this happen again.
Thanks for reading…. And now you know why its been so silent for me here. I have been processing and going through a rough time. But I think its concluded now and all I want to do is learn from it.
About The Author
Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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Oh Maddie, I so hate when you hurt. Sending you hugs. I like the way you work this out in writing. I will contact you on Skype when I am able. I hope you are still using the LM I gave you to destress. I think of you often.
That’s really awful people threatened to hurt you and your friend didn’t do anything about it. I think it’s fair that you were honest about needing to find other friends, especially since you said you wanted to stay friends with her despite that. I am skeptical that you were being manipulative and if something you said felt manipulative to your friend, they should be receptive to you if you were unaware. Friends are honest with each other and try to understand even if they disagree. It’s good you are trying to do things better but sometimes things are not your fault. *hug*
You always try your best, sweetie. I know it’s hard, but you need people. I’m so impressed that you keep trying even when things don’t go smoothly. Hugs 🙂