The incident.

  • The Incident

    It replays in my mind over and over,
    That threat to my safety.
    Those actions I took…
    What could I have done differently?
    How could I have changed it all?
    Change the panic I felt
    That Fear inside
    Those feelings of impending doom and dread.

    What could I have done?
    How could I have protected myself…
    And stopped them taking over my mind…
    Those feelings of… utter terror
    Even thinking about them
    Just for a moment
    I can feel them still there…

    I don’t know what I could have done…
    I truly don’t know.
    I wish I had an answer to my questions
    It cost me so much, so, so much.
    Friendships, love, sanity,
    Safety.
    It was not worth the risk,
    So why did I take it?

    Then there’s those words
    The ones said to me after
    They were said by a once friend…
    And they haunt me and chase me now.
    You can end a friendship in other ways
    Just say goodbye, that its not working…
    Just let it end.
    Let it die.

    Instead they chose those words
    Which in turn…
    Has left me questioning everyone I love.
    Do others feel that way?
    Do others think that way?
    Do others feel their needs are ignored by me?
    That they have to cater to me and tiptoe…
    And if so… Do I give nothing back?

    Which all leads to one question.
    Do I have any value or worth?
    If I am the way they said I am
    Then people only tolerate me.
    If they only tolerate me … then…
    No one really wants me here do they?
    A life unwanted, secretly hated.
    What kind of existence is that?

    That mixed with these feelings at the surface
    Ready to erupt again.
    Impending doom and dread,
    Crippling fear and utter terror…
    Do I really want to go through this again?
    Repeated abandonment… and blame.
    I don’t know the answer
    Not yet.

    I guess what I am saying is…
    I am really not okay.
    I try to hide it,
    Try to keep going,
    But its still on my mind.
    So right now,
    I don’t know what that means…
    And that scares me.


    January 2nd, 2025 | Matty Angel | 2 Comments |

About The Author

Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!

2 Responses and Counting...

  • Vic 01.02.2025

    *hugs*

  • Christine – cryan1974

    Thank you for writing what you write Matty. It helps me understand what’s going on for you. Take care my friend.

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