So I am still here…
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My life has been very chaotic this year. I feel exhausted, like time caught up with me all at once. In the last 5 years I gained safety, made friends and despite the health decline… I thought things went okay. I regret that suicide attempt in 2022 though… Sadly in the last 12 months I lost most the friends I gained after becoming safe, not to mention my dear Princess Nom Nom died… That abandonment has opened up a lot of old wounds, I sure have cried more the last 12 months than I have cried in my entire life.
I find myself reflecting on the life I have lived. At 36 years old I have sure experienced a lot. Its… wow. Child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, homelessness and poverty. Illness and that includes Scurvy which has caused long last impacts to my body. Gender identity issues, Earthquakes, suicide attempts, loneliness on a scale that can’t be measured and abandonment… over, over, and over again people have abandoned me.
I know I am a messed up person… who wouldn’t be with everything that has happened in my life. Since 2020, I really thought things would be okay. Even with having to loose all my breast tissue and brain surgery… with that stupid growing tumor on my right frontal lobe. Even with loosing my ability to walk and relearning and adjusting to a wheelchair for outings. Safety made me a different person and I felt like people were there for me.
The people I met in 2020 and right up to 2024, made me feel listened too… hopeful… and I lost that when I lost them. I lost me. Especially when Princess Nom Nom died.
I don’t know when I will begin writing again, sharing my world with others… enjoying life again… but I hope you will all be patient with me while I work out who it is I actually am. Cause right now I am not the me I use to be, and the future feels … without hope.
Love Matty
About The Author
Matty is a 37 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!
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Aw, Matty. Hugs. I’m so sorry to hear some of this that I’ve never heard before. Of course I knew about Princess Nom-Nom. I hope that you have another kitty now even if it could never be a replacement. Don’t worry about “who you are”. You are you always anyway. Just figure out what you want to do. Something good to help yourself or maybe even someone else. Sending you a cosmic hug.
*big hugs* Love you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m saddened by all the things you’ve been through. Take all the time you need. ((offers hugs))