The Loaded Gun Philosophy – DARK

  • NB: I am not sure how old this is, it is very long and very dark and a bit sad. I am not sure why I wrote it. Feel free to comment on this one and let me know what you think. It was saved in my computer as The Loaded Gun Philosophy and I think it might be part of a story from when I tried to write about a character I saw in a  movie? Or a animation? Its hard to remember.

    The Loaded Gun Philosophy

    Happiness, joy; Are just words for me
    And they might have had some meaning if I was free
    If only someone told me that things could change
    It might be different this very day
    But trapped to a soulless body forever
    To wonder around on strings dangling over-
    I am very alone

    Emptiness and loneliness are just imitations of me
    My life full of sin and sorrowful dreams
    Just another sign of my apathy
    Always caged in

    Always keeping my door locked tight
    Giving no one a chance to breath or sigh
    My gun is loaded
    Ready to go,
    I am agraid, I am alone.

    You can believe that some may have tried
    But I would shoot and make sure none were left alive
    Not hearing any reason nor thought
    I would think its as safe as the world could have got,
    Totally broken, corrupt and vile.

    I haven’t shown emotion for a time,
    Never once shed a tear, never once have I cried
    Perhaps I am a demon or perhaps I am dead
    Either way its a sign that this world was never meant,
    For a soul like mine…

    Maybe I’m cursed or destined to die
    I keep my vanity for the world locked inside
    Never once have I looked back at what could have been,
    My decisions back then, were final for me
    Not ever made a plan of attack
    For this is who I am

    So here I am, caged up tight
    Bars upon all of my sides
    Dreaming of a place thats all mine
    Where there is reason to just give up and die
    Caught in dark submission…

    The ghosts of my past are always here
    Still calling out for my blood in fear
    I just refuse to listen
    I keep them waiting

    I Keep going as I always have done
    Living by the philosophy of my loaded gun
    My door forever locked so tight
    Always waiting, waiting in the dark,
    To take another life.

    The more that I waited,
    The darker it got,
    The darker it got
    The more I forgot
    For the reason, that I was there
    Is now but a tear.

    Didn’t think twice, my gun by my side
    Ready to shoot, to take another life
    But why? I just didn’t know.
    Things I have now long forgotten.

    Then upon a day sitting in the dark
    Waiting for another dwelling upon my past
    Caged and trapped with no thirst for blood
    I began to realize that this is enough

    The reason for hiding and running away
    Had totaled my existence till this very day
    Buy I could put down my gun and let it slide?
    Just to uncertain, this life of mine.

    Surely things could be put away
    I could end my soul taking days
    Whatever happens could never be bad
    Or at least not worse than this
    But is it worth it?

    I sit there staring at the world so large
    I begin to pound, to hit so hard
    Till my cage was broken
    shattered around
    And I could stand once more.

    But running to the door I found…
    The world was not ready for this change of mine
    Still caught up in a pace time
    Not ready to unlock and let me in
    Free of all this sin.

    Tried giving it all I had
    For the first time I shouted for help
    But no one, was there to listen
    I was all alone.

    It was then I realized I had shut them out
    That it was all my own fault
    I created my own cage

    I just wouldn’t give up
    Gotta break the lock,
    No bars were stopping me
    I pounded so hard I came to blood,
    It just, wouldn’t move.

    Then finally I realized what I had done,
    Holding to the past so tight,
    Dropping that gun, that philosophy
    I was finally, truly free
    No longer bound by old laws.

    With a breath and that extra strength
    I broke the lock and stepped,
    To my new existence
    A world so changed
    Breathing in the air of hope

    Then with tears,
    For the first time,
    Looking at the sky with a smile
    The rain to wash the world clean came
    I lifted up my hands in praise,
    Things could change

    No more cages or waiting for an end
    Or living by a loaded gun of pain
    No more soul taking days
    The world could finally be welcome again.

    I was Free


    October 14th, 2009 | Matty Angel | No Comments |

About The Author

Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!

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