I find myself in a state of dream

  • NB: Dealing with some scary things right now and its made me… think out loud I guess.

    I find myself in a state of dream

    I find myself in a state of dream
    Wishing to undo all I’ve seen
    Imagine if I could go back to then
    And free myself from all that’s been

    I would do all that I could do
    To prevent the pain I now consume
    Make so many different decisions
    Come out more able, with less conditions

    I would carry far less sin
    Not be one who cries with the moon
    I would sleep in so much peace
    Not cast my feelings into what I eat.

    Perhaps if I could try again
    I could also explore who I am
    Find a way to be so safe
    In a place of love and grace

    I would no longer have gloomy stories
    They would disappear to nothing
    No more tales of homeless sorrow
    No more whispers of dark survival

    And finally I wouldn’t be tired
    No longer haunted by endless nightmares
    There would be no evil inside me
    For their vile hands would not have touched me.

    I find myself in a state of dream
    Wishing to undo all I’ve seen
    But upon my waking I find tears
    For I am back with all the dread and fear.


    February 24th, 2023 | Matty Angel | 2 Comments |

About The Author

Matty is a 36 year old girl who is an Autistic Poet, Writer and Artist and lives alone in Christchurch New Zealand with a kitty! Matty has given many talks on autism and about being unique in a world that's often not accepting, Matty has also engaged with artist and worked on Art projects Matty usually works on an Art project at the same time as a writing one! This means posts can be a bit delayed!

2 Responses and Counting...

  • Fiona 02.24.2023

    My heart aches for you. The honesty of your words so beautifully expressed. I hear your pain so clearly. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. But know this: you do not carry sin and you are not evil. What happened to you was not your fault. I know that is hard to believe but please trust me, you did nothing wrong. Acknowledging how you feel in this poem is the first step towards healing. It may not seem that way but it is. One small step at a time.

  • Mea Paula Niederhofer

    The past is not for regret, it’s to push you forward

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